I am kind of weak in this department

I am back to hanging out with Pat regularly. We have sex one or two times a week. I am never going to say that I am getting rid of him... it probably won't ever happen. I just will have to slowly outgrow him. eh. I have suffered through worst things... and I am pretty darn happy right now. whatevs.

le sigh

The other night Pat left this while I was away. He seems to miss me already... sigh. what is he going to wait for? is that just there to get me to talk to him.

Pat (12:56:53 AM): hi you
Me (12:56:54 AM): Happy Holidays!  :)
Pat (12:57:52 AM): come back woman, i turned my pc on to talk to you
Pat (1:03:53 AM): heeeeeeeeeeeeeey
Pat (1:06:33 AM): hmmm.  well two things.  1) i take it spring break with your fam is no more?
Pat (1:06:59 AM): and 2) Ill wait for
Pat (1:14:23 AM): le sigh
Pat (1:14:26 AM): good night

headache

I have the biggest headache. It is awful. I am not doing much better. All I can think about is what Pat is thinking. Will he even miss me? I really doubt it. :(

I will never get over this... right now I don't want to

I feel like dying. I can't believe I did it. I just want to take it all back. I can't stand it. I don't know what to do. I don't have anybody else. I just want to die. I want him to say this was all a mistake and he wants me back. I know that isn't going to happen. I do. I just want it to. I know that I will find somebody new. Probably somebody better for me too. However, right now I don't want to. I just want to stay on this couch and die. It feels like I will never get over this and right now I don't want to.

it is really sad that this has to happen

I told Pat how I feel. He said, "it is really sad that this has to happen." I felt like dying. I immediately wanted to take it back. I am going to drink the rest of my bottle of wine and go to sleep.

I have calmed down a little

I was a little harsh last post. Pat is a great guy, a philanderer but a great guy. The only real thing that bothers me about him is his philandering. He thinks that these women are going to give him some kind of better life. Well, fine. Whatever. He can do what he wants. I just don't want to be around anymore while he does it. I love him but I can't have him. It hurts. It breaks me into pieces every time he sleeps with someone else and I have to slowly put myself together afterward. It is awful.

Days not talking to Pat: 2

I am done.

I am done with Patrick. He makes me miserable. I don't want to be his friend anymore. And this is why:

1) Pat and I exchanged Christmas presents last week. I got him a nice black shirt, a nice black tie, and some really nice black pants. He gave me a book with the center cut out to hide things in. Good idea, right? I knew what he was going to do for me and I was really, really excited that he wanted to spend that much time making me something... but he didn't. He got it for free and already made. He spent no time on me. No effort. No money. I thought really hard what he would want and remember that he really liked the look that a TV character had on a couple weeks back. I drove my ass to the mall (which I hate) and spent $66 on my credit card (which almost gave me a panic attack... I hate using it). I is very obvious that he gives me no more thought than some idle stranger in one of his classes.

2) Lately, when we have hung out... he has acted so put out with me being there. He no longer wants to hang out with me and I am getting sick of his attitude in return.

3) He says that his whole life isn't focused on sex. He is lying to himself and the world when he says that. He is one of those typical guys that only wants sex and can't commit. He talks like he isn't... "I just want experiences." "I am still young." "I like interesting girls." "I really want a relationship with a girl that has/does this or that." He is an idiot. He just wants to fuck as many people as he can because that is what he thinks will make him interesting and his life meaningful... hehehe. whatever. He is kind of young but he is just using that as an excuse because he can't love a person. I don't think that it is possible. He just doesn't have it in him. He says he wants this or that in a girl... about 90% I have that trait. He didn't want me. whatever.

4) He thinks that world isn't right because it isn't socially cool to have sex with multiple partners. He is a retard. It isn't cool to do that because it hurts people. He does't relize that. He doesn't have feeling so he can't understand how it hurts the other person. It isn't the world that needs to change it is Patrick that needs to change.

5) The biggest reason I am done with him is that he takes me for granted. I listen to him when he has something to say even when it is the most uninteresting thing in the world for me. I support him when he wants to do something new. I help him when he needs help dispite what is going on in my life. I spend more time and money on him than I do on myself even though I don't have that much money. I do things I think he will like when it does nothing for me in return just to make him happy. He just takes and takes and takes and gives nothing in return.

I can't give everything I have to him just to have him go and sleep with another person. I can't stand it anymore. I am done. I was afraid to post this because in the past I haven't done it. This time I think I can make it.

6) Patrick has made me happier than anything in the whole world but he has also made me the most miserable. I can't stand the miserable so I am going to have to give up the happiness. I would rather live a beige life then deal with this shit anymore. I love him and have for a very long time, but I cannot be friends with him anymore.